2020 PROJECT 52: 11/52

Today is an anniversary I never thought I’d be celebrating, let alone for a second time.

Today is the one year anniversary my divorce was finalized.

Never ever did I imagine I’d be divorced, let alone twice.

I was 18 when I married the first time and because it was so short and I was so young I haven’t really counted it.

The second marriage though; the second one was different and it was promising and it was going to be my last… until it wasn’t.

Sure there were red flags looking back, at the time though I rationalized everything based on the situation and figured that it would eventually get better.
Eventually never came and new things popped up and I overlooked them, justified them, and continued to rationalize them.

Because I was determined to make it work. I wasn’t going to fail a second time.

What I didn’t realize is that making the choice to leave a marriage after going through plan A – Z without any change wasn’t failing.

It was courageous.

It took a lot to come to that final decision, and when I arrived at that decision I was an empty shell.
I had hit rock bottom so hard, I began sinking. There was nowhere else to go. I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe.

I no longer had confidence. Happy was a foreign concept to me. Nothing excited me. Nothing angered me. I had no desire to do anything.
You could even argue that I was depressed and I wouldn’t have even tried to convince you otherwise. Because I was. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now.
I was in denial. I felt like I failed my kids. I worried about everyone I was letting down and how they’d view me.

I sincerely thought that I would be just fine if I continued to live my life the way I had become comfortable with.
I was just fine with the way I was being treated and what I would put up with. I truly thought I could live that way until I died.

And I could have…
if I died the next day.

My second worst fear is dying. I’m just not cool with the world going on without me. A severe case of FOMO.

So, I packed my bags. The kid’s bags. And the cat’s bags. And loaded them into my car and I left.

I left all the unhappiness, guilt, resentment, anger, hate, sadness, and hope for what I thought my life would be like behind at the crack of dawn on a late May morning in the Tucson desert.
While my car was headed to Utah, I was the lyrics of Traveling Wildbury’s Heading for the Light.
I was in search of myself. I needed to be me again. And nothing was going to stop me.

🎵 “My shoes are wearing out from walking down this same highway
I don’t see nothing new, but I feel a lot of change
And I get the strangest feeling as I’m
Heading for the light

I see the sun ahead, I ain’t never looking back
All the dreams are coming true as I think of you
Now there’s nothing in the way to stop me
Heading for the light
Now there’s nothing in the way to stop me
Heading for the light
Heading for the light
Heading for the light” 🎵

This May will be two years since I had the courage to choose me before anyone else for the first time in a very very long time.
And today is one year since the final door was closed.

I didn’t fail; I grew.
I didn’t drown; I bloomed.
Happy is amazing!
And the future… it excites me!

I do not have a single regret. Everything that I did, lived through and experienced created the person you will meet today. It created three of the best kids I could have ever asked for. It showed me what I am willing to sacrifice and what I won’t. It showed me exactly who I am and what I want. So no, no regrets.

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